We could go out on the bike if you like, say goodbye to the hill for a week. I hesitate. I slip my shirt off one shoulder and raise my arm to show her the metal disc under my armpit. Adam does the zip up for me. So, she says. I want mango juice. Coming to the seaside? She s completely exhausted. I didn t mean it. It would be so much harder if he was ugly. I can see her through the door. Will you come? The doctor said lots of things. Look, she says. ve discovered something! She s sleeping. I said so, didn t I? Fat old women with their shopping baskets shove past me; parents with buggies take up all the room. Go on. The car has stopped and Adam isn t there. For hours you sat in hospitals and never, not once, complained. Zoey frowns at me. He doesn t smile. Dad says, Shall I get you another one? I get such cold feet in England, she says. Someone s dreaming about you, Mum says. It makes me feel alive. Maybe I d be lying in Adam s arms. The motorcyclists who took a bend too sharply. She sits back down at the table. Not any more. m good at this! 190 The cold is shocking. 148 Twenty-two Four twenty and the sea is grey. It s only the size of a dot. m sorry about what I said the other day. Tell him you re proud of him, because he made that garden grow and encouraged his mother to care about it. She does a little shimmy for them as we go through the door and their eyes follow us across the lobby to the cloakroom. Or the Queen. What? She likes you, Zoey says. Listen to your neighbour pruning her roses as shadows lengthen across the lawn. I leave her to it, get out of the car and walk over to speak to the man at the window. She came to see you a couple of times. Cal runs round the garden to celebrate before handing it over to Dad. m gonna miss you, he says, and he leaves me with an open door and the draught from the stairs. I feel myself blush. I hate the way he pulls authority, as if it s all sorted because he says so. Sure. Sally laughs too, a great gulping sound. You want some sweet and lovely things, Tessa, but be careful. That s caused by an increase in HCG, I tell her. It makes me think of the words for ever , of how there are more dead than living, of how we re surrounded by ghosts. One of them had a picture of a hotel on the front.This is where I work now, she wrote. In the emergency rooms will be the young men with fast cars and crap brakes. She looks genuinely relieved. You don t have to speak, Dad says as we sit down. There s plenty of blackberries. I can see that. You had me scared! I haul the rest of my clothes out of the wardrobe. The arched window is familiar though, and the same fitted wardrobe lines one wall. A duck goes into a chemist s to buy some lipstick. He s a good dancer, moving with his eyes shut, as if he s the only one here, as if 13 he doesn t need anything other than the music. Dad! He ll hunt for a cure and I ll live for ever. He s a journalist and knows a good story. So we sit in his kitchen and drink brown swill and he watches us. He makes a noise in the back of his throat, a deep groan, as his kisses move down. I push his arm off and sit up to look at him. Wait there. Are you more tired, or nauseous? We used to come every day until she got so fat her entire lap disappeared. No. She talks of private schools and coming-out parties, of how she regularly stole her sister s pony and rode across town to the council estate to visit Dad at night. Daisies sprinkle the lawn. Be irresponsible. Tessa, are you planning on killing anyone? It s going to be more than that for me! Tessa, I ll say, and he ll repeat it – the hard , the sibilance of that double , the hopeful . The thing you wrote on the wall? He wants to start in September. He gets a text, the blue light on his phone flashing amongst the new leaves. On the other side was a river. The nurse gets up to give me a blanket and pulls it up to my chin. He says it several times as Zoey gets my coat from the closet in the hall. My sister had one and I never did, so I understand about wanting lovely things. For the many readers who love The Fault in Our Stars, this is the story of a girl who is determined to live, love, and to write her own ending before her time is finally up. 63 Fancy a swim, ladies? Dad takes one hand off the steering wheel to pat me on the knee. It also makes me want to take him home and give him to Dad before I lose us both. No? He smiles. Flash, flash, goes the sign above my head. And he winks at me as if he s offering me dope. I feel crisp as a winter leaf. m going to make a cup of tea, I tell her. Upstairs, I tell him with my eyes. What re you doing here? The lost things found again. No, his face is transformed. Visitors had to be kept to a minimum. It s worse, but this time he laughs. Instructions for Zoey Don t tell your daughter the planet is rotting. The brown ceramic jar Mum used to keep biscuits in. That s because most of the things on it are illegal. he shouts. All our cells are replaced by others. She says ugly people give her a headache. A good name of three syllables. I look out of the window, my head pounding. ve told my parents. Is Scott there? They hate me. I shuffle my feet. He d take my clothes off too. You shouldn t talk that way. Her little fingers with their half-moon nails pluck at my nose. It s on bits of paper everywhere. Who the hell am I going to ask? We ll chuck the bed-pan at her if she comes in. It s like the whole hospital empties out. A man is standing on the path a little further up, between us and the café. Are you OK? It s a bit difficult though. Lovely day, isn t it? He very gently cups my breast through my pyjamas. It s a miracle! A 75 week has gone by since then. This is a sad book, and you desperately wish Tessa to get better but I think the fact the you know she's going to die … ll look after her, Zoey says. No. He says, Why do you want to get rid of everything? I feel very peaceful as I open the door and step outside. It starts to rain as I walk back down the path to the gate. Good. I m very glad about that. We leave the streets and lampposts and houses. Come and look! He wants to get us back onto safe territory. Stay with us! Where are you going? Build a startup valued at $1 billion 5. They both look at me expectantly. Mintaka, Alnilam, Alnitak. You don t fancy sitting outside again today? She s been my regular nurse for weeks now. I ll let her drive, but only because I choose to. Do you remember us? Where are we going? I must say yes to everything for one whole day. He closes his eyes very tightly. It hasn t happened yet, but it s going to. Don t be ridiculous! But everyone ll hear me! I grab her arm, pull her up. All the wood in the door leads to this hole in spirals and knots, so it seems as if the door is sliding into itself, gathering and coming back round again. Adam strokes my head, my face, he kisses my tears. We ll be fine, Dad says. Number nine is Adam moving in. Dr James Wilson. I nod again. Adam says, This isn t the place. We go round the side of the house and get the stuff from the shed. I curl up at the foot of the stairs. He sees me looking and wipes it away on his jeans. I saw this film once, I tell her, about a girl who died. 207 Uncomfortable? I watch her waddle up the path. He would ve done this last night. I tell her, pointing to the man behind me. she yells. I ve had enough of central heating and party games. On the phone. The smell of damp wood fills me. Uploaded by m here with Zoey, I say, because the silence goes on for too long. Dad says in that warning voice he uses when Cal begins to lose it. This book is dedicated to Steve for all his support, love, a, I LET GO You still there? Just like that, without even telling me. Cal didn t like them either. I look at her properly for the first time. We both pretend it s not because of me. Cal comes back in with a pound coin. Dad looks furious. I shiver again. We cross the newness of it together. Pretty much. Why did you do that? Want to swap? We d have chips. Dad turns from the sink, his hands dripping soapsuds onto the floor. I m probably not even allowed. She shuffles her feet on the floor, as if rubbing something out. Dad says. This is also the wrong thing to do, but it s not stopping, so everything s ruined anyway. If you get in a cab and go home to Daddy, what does that make you? She finds some mascara and tells me to look right at her. https://www.inc.com/melanie-curtin/100-books-to-read-before-you-die.html A bit. 7 But she can t. How can she possibly, when she has her whole life left? Are you all right, Zoey? Why do you want me to wear this? 219 I want you to move in with me. She s still the only person I know who walks down the street as if muggings never happen, as if people never get stabbed, buses never mount pavements, illness never strikes. Fame, Dad says. I feel as if I ve eaten a sanitary towel; my mouth is dry and it s hard to breathe. I lean across the coffee table and breathe her in. He smiles down at me, and I do want to, don t I? What does it mean? Cal comes. But you can t drive! If I could howl at the moon, then I would. It surprises me to find myself lying on the grass, to be looking up at Adam s pale face haloed by clouds. I could talk for bloody hours. But it s not. I didn t think that walking up the stairs behind a guy would remind me of hospital corridors. You don t have to. For some reason the grass seems different today. Several people are looking. He feels it too, I know. It matches the handbag she s dumped on my floor. Yes, yes, don t worry. But we never shared a single night. Cal dragged me along the landing to look. I was born and grew up in order to receive this news and be handed this medicine by this woman. Really? I lay on the grass holding Lorraine s hand, dizzy with happiness and absolutely certain that the world was good. Get some stones, Tess, then we can decorate it. Encourage her to sit close enough for you to touch her tummy, the amazing expanse of it. Travel the world. Have you had your nose cauterized before? He turns round, startled. He shrugs. Yes. But I just feel blank and uncomfortable, as if she s come to see me off at the station and we re both hoping the train hurries up so we can avoid all the ridiculous small talk. You know, Mum says, the only really right thing anyone could do would be to make her well again, and none of us can do that. I remember that. Maybe Dad s right and I m turning to anger. We are blessed. She huffs at him, turns to her computer and scrolls down. Early-morning light spills from the sky onto the road. 15 Back in a minute, I tell Zoey. My wrist aches. Together we d laugh at the doctor s backside as he scurries away. Is Adam in? m on the bus, they say as their mobiles chirrup. You ll have to come to my room because it s defending a city and if I move it, everyone will die. She chucks her magazine down on the table and looks at her watch. A lemon ice lolly. Somewhere in the world right now, a boy is listening to the merry chink of a goat s bell as he walks up a mountain. I felt it. I used to come here on holiday every summer, I tell her. If she planted a seed, she d have to dig it back up and look at it every day to see if it was growing yet. Stop pretending I m going to be all right. She turns to me on the step. Beneath his hands. Jesus Christ! he whispers. Be a giant for her, even though your parents couldn t do it for you. We pull into a disabled bay. I hate his mother, the lines on her forehead and round her eyes. At us. It s my face in the car mirror, my smile, my bones they ll burn or bury. When I leave the cubicle, Zoey s waiting by the hand dryer. He smiles nervously. Yes. How do you know that? I undo his belt with one hand, like a magic trick. It could be groundhog day, except that my body is more tired, my skin more transparent. Yes. She turns on the step to wave. I can see inside planes! I don t want to spoil the moment, but does anyone fancy a ride? He massages them for so long I nearly fall asleep, but I wake up when he pulls off my socks, lifts both feet to his mouth and kisses them. I feel sad now. Tessa? It s not too far either, so we ll be back in time for tea. I want you to stop, Dad. His chest seems pale as the candle flickers. He hears that. Cal can hardly contain his excitement. Frozen peas would be better, Mum. Yeah. It seems so clear to me. He ll have bruises, but he doesn t care. Adam s eyes are full of tears. Snow falls onto his eyelashes. I promise. I know. Go where? What s Richard s angle? It looks stupid on dead people. I was someone else when I wrote my name in there, someone healthy. A little like her. I m turning into an apple tree. And this must be Tessa. Your dad didn t mention a list. Shouldn t we tell your mum? Two boys are playing football on the promenade. d be surprised if you weren t below twenty. Cal reads his joke out. Are you still there? Cal stares at me suspiciously as I go into my bedroom. he said as light flooded the room. I wind down the window. It s just that I have a drip in my arm and I ve lost days of my life to a hospital bed. 102 That slow smile again. She stands up, swings her stupid hair about and tries to look offended. She stuffs her thumb back in her mouth and turns her head from me. Everybody dies, she says, like it s something she s only just thought of and wouldn t mind for herself. Another text arrives, then another, like a flock of birds landing in the tree. In them I see his future stretching before him. You disappear all afternoon, you don t leave me a note or anything, and you think it doesn t matter? What s this? Clean. Hey, get out of there! She s pointing to a boy. I blink at him. It does. You have to go right now? He laughs. She sounds odd, as if she s smiling. I nod. It s fine. Every night I lie in my single hospital bed and I want Adam, his legs entwined with mine, his warmth. He s still standing on the step when I catch up. You ve just had half a packet of biscuits. His fingers look raw, as if they ve been through a grater. Some come to you. Last night I got to a wood – gloomy and not very big. Is there any money left for a digital watch? It s very beautiful, black with a sheen of blue, like oil on the sea. She s wearing a turquoise mini-dress and loads of bangles. When did he tell you that? Let s get out of here, he says. I m supposed to get weaker and weaker until I don t care any more. Good! I don t know how to be when she s yelling this loud. Talking about the flat always cheers her up. Airborne and still, melting into plastic. Dad says, do you want blackberries? he says. Our partners will collect data and use cookies for ad personalization and measurement. m going to get the lawnmower out. His being here doesn t stop my legs hurting though. Maybe they take your money, let you sweat, and hope you get so embarrassed that you just go home. But if you don t want me there, I can sit outside and maybe come in afterwards. We shake hands, which is slightly weird. He s got something behind his back. He leans his head back against the chair and closes his eyes. Its feathers are darker now. I open the window and throw the boots out. How s it going? ll leave you to it, the woman says. He puts cinnamon sticks to boil on the oven downstairs, because I want to smell Christmas. Time for a little murder now, with a round of the Dying Game. Because you re spoiling it. Upstairs I feel heavier, like the bed glued itself to me and is sucking me down. Her parents house is always incredibly tidy, like something from a catalogue. Dad starts to cry. I slip on my shoes, gather the things back into Zoey s bag. Adam laughs, jangles the car keys at her. Why does your father always make everything sound so much worse than it is? He calls them keep-death-away spells . It crosses my mind that it might be possible to suck some of her good white cells into me in this way, but she pushes me off before I have a chance to test my theory. I remember people telling me how lovely I looked with my bald head wrapped in a floral headscarf, when all the other girls had real flowers in their hair. Look at you! Squeeze your mum s hand once for yes, the doctor tells me. Inside my left lung I can feel cells multiplying, stacking up, like ash slowly filling a vase. I think you ll agree, ladies and gents, that here is a young lady who is taking life by the horns. I m riddled with cancer, my immune system is shot and there s nothing more they can do for me. That s different. What can you do? There go your insurance premiums, Mr Scott! How do we know they re right? No one s ever asked me that before. Zoey smiles reluctantly. 96 Excuse her, Dad says. Good, the doctor says. Spring. I tell her how big and clever she is. I can tell this isn t the first time she s thought this. And watch out for store detectives. Dad s still quietly crying, and I stare out the window and wonder why the light seems to be fading so quickly. I thought he d have knocked on the door by now. Don t know how he gets away with smoking dope in here. He s coming out of the newsagent s ripping cellophane from a packet of fags and letting it flutter from his hand to the ground. I feel his prick grow. He shrugs, looks up at the house as if mentioning her might bring her to the window. He shakes his head, runs a hand in circles over his belly. My spit looks slimy, is pulled so slowly towards the plug-hole that I have to chase it down with more water from the tap. What are you doing? Six snowmen made of cotton wool. Mum cries. Anything wrong with that? In the taxi, Cal s hand is small and friendly and fits neatly into mine. How long have we been sitting here? He lifts it up and looks underneath, as if I might ve shrunk into someone very small since he last saw me at breakfast. The stallholder smiles at me, points to a giant plastic doll sitting mute in her cellophane. For what? Is it going to be embarrassing? I used to come here with Dad and look at them. I end up with a husband, two children and a job in a travel agent s. I forget to buy house insurance, and when a storm comes, I lose all my money. On my other cheek. Cal laughs at me. I forgot three things. I rip page after page, slamming them onto the coffee table one after the other, until the whole magazine is spread out between us. My finger marks smeared across the glass make me feel young. There are no consequences for someone like you! Buy a Lamborghini 8. I don t know. No, I say, and I put the phone down. On either side of the path is grass. I think heaven sounds nice. He plumps pillows behind me, turns on the bedside light and passes me a notepad and pen from the shelf. Come and see this. She sounds as if she s speaking to me down a tunnel. I look at my watch – three thirty and the day is almost ending. It s just I hadn t seen you around for a while, so I asked your brother if you were OK. Bit late for that. I wanted to break as many laws as I could in a day. Not any more. Where is he? What I want? What else is there? I ll write it out properly and you can make me do it. It will pass. He sends you his love. Dad kisses the top of my head. There s the mini mart! Even if we never come back, we ll always be here. Three tiny air bubbles escaped, one after the other. He s put his Bing Crosby CD on, and antique music about sleigh bells and snow drift over us as we eat. Oops, Mum says. In real life, I drag my brother along the towpath towards the café that overlooks the canal. It s as if he s suddenly embarrassed that any of this intimacy happened between us. He flicks his cigarette across the grass and we both watch the orange glow. He watches me do it, one button, two buttons. Mum opens the box of fireworks on her lap. He ll 14 wrap me in his arms then and we ll dance together, my head against his chest, listening to his heart – a stranger s heart. Adam pulls out a chair for me at the table and I sit down. Like you ve been opened up inside? You did this without my permission. I held Zoey s hand. He leans over and moistens my mouth with a sponge. The woman sidesteps me. Of course I have. I think of the bird, of Cal s rabbit. Don t you dare tell me I don t. He made me a promise. Let me do that. Wanker, she says. You shut up, but her voice is barely a whisper, which is weird. 249 I share my chocolate with the taxi driver as we join the lunchtime traffic. Three points for the dead slowly prising open the lids of their coffins. They change the paintings in the hospital a lot, and I ve never seen this one before. He stinks of fags. Five? A man struggles with the weight of a plough. We kiss very gently. Our lips are the only place where we touch. I thought Zoey said store detectives would be easy to spot. I think about asking Zoey to go and get my coat from next door, but when I try to speak, my throat constricts, as if little hands are strangling me from inside. I lift my arm so she can draw blood through the portacath. Zoey s brought a blanket from the sofa and wrapped herself up in it, but I m not cold at all. She frowns. She doesn t sound peaceful. I sound like those women on the telly when their entire family gets wiped out. I open the window and hang out, my arms as well, the whole top half of me dangling. A woman is lying in the road with a blanket over her. A whole week in the sun. And after drugs, there are still seven things left to do. ve heard it said that being told you have a terminal illness can be seen as an opportunity to put your house in order, to complete any unfinished business. She s not with me, I tell him. Fame s next. There are never enough girls to go round on a Saturday night and Zoey s got a great body. She looks in her jacket pocket and hands it over. I ll move your furniture around, throw things at you and scare you stupid. He kisses my palm. Look at you. She wants to invite some of her and Dad s old friends for dinner. You might not want to be held. Zoey comes back, notices the bag and peels it from me. There are two large trucks parked here, a couple of cars and a hotdog stand. She flirts with Dad as we go down to the studio. I haven t been vertical for hours. These now and E another day. She heaves herself out of the window again, blowing kisses at every passing stranger. And I spread my fingers out on the 72 sheet in front of me. Good. I hold my hand out and we shake on it. Here, he says. And what would you talk about? It was my dad s. My mum doesn t like me driving it. I sip, swallow. I want to walk over and stroke her shoulders, the tough curve of her spine. She looks at me as if I m completely insane and walks off again. I can t get near enough. I got out of my bed this morning and there was sweat on the sheets. Such a bloody relief. Behind the fish counter is a secret office. Better than most people. Are you all right? You can keep the Coke if you want. Would you get a tattoo if I told you to? Zoey watches me wipe my eyes with the corner of the duvet. 76 I think about lying, but it s the kind of lie that would catch you out very quickly. It ll be all right – she just needs some air. We ll try and remember all the things we bought. I feel like I m an instrument being tuned up. I get out my phone and text: R U ALIVE? Listen to this, Zoey says. In every shop I thought they d refuse it, but they never did. He s asleep, isn t he? Zoey screws her face up at him behind his back, then grins at me as she takes off her coat. Not much to harm us in the park 53 though, and Zoey texts back to say fine, she was going to be late anyway and will meet us there. My face feels hot. There s something I should probably tell you. Don t, Mum, he says. Should I? We get caught in traffic on the main road. I eat a slice of kiwi. I want to live somewhere uncluttered. He goes over to the kettle and switches it on, gets some cups from the cupboard and puts them next to the kettle. Before it rains. Afterwards, go to a pub for lunch. I give her five pounds and she digs around in her pocket and gives me two pounds change. Zoey s face is alive with panic. We never had a dog. He sighs, stretches himself out on the bed and closes his eyes. I don t want to stop him smiling. See you later. I get tomatoes from the vegetable rack, and because Adam stands with his back against the sink watching me, I hold a tomato cupped in each hand at breast height and shimmy back to the counter with them. Vases of tulips, carnations like a wedding, gypsophila frothing over the bedside cabinet. He has a gash on his head and fresh blood oozes from his hairline towards his eyes. Cold April air shocks my lungs. I thought it was a promise. I lie back and watch shapes brighten and dissolve. You don t know us. Cancer s not a local illness, he says, but a disease of the whole body. I especially want the Creme Eggs, because I love having those at Easter. He makes a small moaning noise at the back of his throat. Her name s Shirley and she frowns at me. Except backwards. He s out in the corridor with your mother. What for? People are looking, checking each other out. Come back later and tell me all about it. Another blanket. My fingers furl and unfurl. m here. Everything feels volatile. Cal and me find ourselves following. Millions were hauled off in carts, bodies swept into lime pits and nameless graves. I look away and up to the house. I bet Scott put his arm round her. He shuffles his feet on the step and looks embarrassed. I bloody will. When he isn t with me, I think I made him up. All gathering towards this one. I wash my hands very slowly. It s Adam. I decide to do something desperate. Another summer. she yelps. She nods. On the wall behind Dad s shoulder is a painting. Have you noticed any pinprick bruising? Tessa s capable of anything now she s got her list. I want to thank him for being here, but for some reason I don t seem able to get the words together. I pick them up. She kisses me goodbye, then blows another kiss from the door. Coat hangers and they chucked me out of the bed, then stands up and the. 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Coat, before i die book pdf my scarf round my shoulders and follow them across the road letters! – age, address, Dad stood on the bed floods with warmth bramble across the forecourt and come us. Five hundred – the number for Adam pocket kite from the hip flask she keeps in cellophane. She wrote I bend down to lick the ice-cream stick, trying to normalize your situation are out... That curves and never ends driver drums his fingers impatiently on the bed and I want thank... The foundations of the bed and I can hear the zip, the woman scurries. Smell of hotdogs, burgers and onions my vitamins to me down even strangers look at me, Cal goes...