The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged. We had so many issues it was simply not funny. (4) he lied to me every day, hides stuff and he verbally attacks me telling me what a liar, I am, how I lie lie lie lieWhen he is the only liar. I just need to decide. Even though he is so full of himself that he made the entire process as miserable as possible for himself and me. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. As I am writing, I am sitting in a beautiful Hotel in California, at the end of a 4 day all expense trip he won. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. You need to get Back from the Looking Glass, 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook ASAP. Ronda Dee. When i got my head together, i never respected a damn thing about this type of person, and found them to be utterly repulsive and pathetic. There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. After a vew weeks he hit the wall just next to my head. He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) He still works very closely with the woman he had an affair with for two years and I need that relationship ended even if it isnt an affair I feel it is still too close and too much Never listens to a single word I say. You found it on the floor and because you were mad at me you threw it in the trash. And he is blaming her for his spending of her money! (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! He left me after several years of a push/pull, secretly planning to end it for a long time, but misleading me. Learning to spot non productive conversations and end them before they begin is vital. My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. Im going out for a sandwich and coffee. 7 Be leery of future love bombing. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. 1. Before he comes begging her back! They want to manipulate us and push and bully us into believing we do not have the right to stand up for ourselves . I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. I do believe he misses meand he loves me as much as he is able to love, but this disability is cyclicand I am much too aware of his cycles. I have followed your advice and he seems to now trust me and I guess he therefore feels able to be more honest with me. As Kym and others have said living with someone with NPD is at best very difficult and at worst totally impossible. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. Was left for me is to accept the real him and stop falling for the fantasy of who I would like him to be. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. Never her.Now after almost a year up here. Hi Liddabird and welcome, I appreciate your sentiments but if you share children taking them away without court permission is considered kidnapping and most people with NPD are very good at charming the court system. Thanks Kim , Thanks for another great article. He has been a major womanizer and into porno all my married life. Even though our finances (checking accounts and credit cards) as seperate we do live together and as it has been, I end up paying for most of the groceries, entertainment and the maintenance of our home (which I bought in my name only cuz his credit is messed up. Doing so leads them to become frustrated or angry. I lost my job (third timeIm in sales) and times have been rough the last 9 months or so. My husband never said he was sorry, no remorse, hasnt held a steady job 12 of 14 years. Why do feel the need to write and give him this or, of the sort, letter? There is ni ither oersi that I livf ir havr lived like i li e him,but i cant find a safe place. Stay calm and polite no matter how they react. You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. 20) You blame me for having credit but ask me to use it time and again. We have been together 13 years, and it was only just in the last few that Ive identified him as a narcissist for what that truly means. Is it OK though that I gave him time to make a decision and set a time for him to tell me? They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. If they knew how much really love them, they wouldnt be so damn narcissistic I thinkbut when your heart cant feel, it does not know when they are being lovedeverything to them is rejection. I made clinical decisions about consequences and my role became the enforcer of boundaries. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. Its almost two years later, we are separate under the same roof until I can move out. I need to do that. But over the years, I got exhausted. My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. He did not give me any support. The guy Im living with even wrote 2 books and the first one he is actually describing the messiah (him). Its no suprise they hide from their toxic shame. Hi Genelle and welcome (-: There are exercises to deal with this type of behaviour in the chapter on limiting abuse in The Love Safety Net Workbook. Sep 3 I told him what I did and said it was better that way, that way we can avoid him being the middle man since I do all the banking anyways and it wouldnt cause a problem for him or us in the future with an argument over the ph cause of a misunderstanding and he got soooo mad telling me again how I dont know how hard some of his days are blah blah and thats when I said, I am NOT your punching bagyou wanna rag on someonerag on the person who first called you at a bad time NOT me. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. He got nicer a week or so. The exercises in The Love Safety net Workbook will help you with this but ultimately you have done the right thing to call his bluff and hold your ground. If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. Hang in there Amy and you be careful to follow the steps in Back from the Looking Glass about leaving because it really can escalate the abuse. Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. Whats the answer? 2. My advice, run! Thanks Kim and Steve for all your work and make sure you do the exercises in The Love Safety Work Book :0). It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. 5) During that second move, you got mad at me again and watched my 11 year old daughter who had been on her feet for two days, with 4 hours of sleep and having a cold. Try giving him the sort attention you crave. I dont have another day to waste with him. Are you familiar with co-dependence? I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. Narcissistic behavior on the job can arise at any time, with troubling results. There are times I just want to say enough! I will do both. So correction, I enjoy a good material life, but nothing more really. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. You must understand that Ive no family support to help me raise my 11 year old daughter and my family live in Oz, so this was a real blow to me Something snapped and I thought Right Im moving on. You called our landlord while being mad at me and told them WE where not going to renew our lease without telling me. My avenue of communicating with him from closeness instead of opposition was shut down. When he was alcholic and drunk he would do the stupid lying stuff, but when sober and caught he could at least give bits of the truthwho knows. He feels I am wronging him by leaving. I came across this information 4 yrs. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. The ultimate problem within them is selfish pride. Just last night he tried to manipulate me again into lending him more money by setting the stage thru being super sweet cooking and cleaning and then bamm, here he goes again. If I leave himhe will make mine and the kids lives a living hell!!! You shouldnt be angry or vindictive and instead say something like, I am sorry I didnt do this sooner because it is obvious that you need to learn that this is wrong. To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . Thanks Kim.Unfortunately in my sad little world at the age of 51 I dont have any access to money.I rely on my husband totally.I dont even have a bank acc.Unbelevable I know!I met him when I was 15 and never went onto study.I finished high school,did some courses and did work until I had my children.I was lucky to b a stay at home mom.I did work here and there and when the children left home I did have a job at an animal shelter.I left and went to care in the UK and that was absolutely diasasterous for my marriage.He had women in my home and lived the life of a bachelor.Since then I have not worked.I live in a small town and work is really hard to come by.Also I wld have to use his car which he constantly threatens me with.At my age I have no confidence because I am constantly told how thick and stupid I am.I do all my own housework,cooking and so forth.Also every job Ive had hes accused me of having affairs with someone.I dont want to come across as the victim here but thats how it is.My husband has his own business of which I know nothing abt because he says it has nothing to do with me.I have tried to push the issue and get involved but to no avail.So yes,I wld love to purchase ur books but sadly cant,thats why I go online and try and read all I can wherever.Thanks for your time. I do break down and I pull myself back together. 5 Stay calm when they try to upset you. Literally, I thought it was me and I was being unreasonable. Butterfly is my chosen name because if you help a catteiller out of its cocoon it will die. I am a school teacher, so I used many of the strategies I use to manage behavior with students, and they often work. The love-bombing stage is over. Oh my gosh I can relate to Joan. They want you to become irrational to have an excuse for their behavior. He has no remorse for anything he does or says; he has declared many many times that he is never sorry because he is never wrong he says what he feels and does whatever he wants with no regard to anyone elses feelings, ever.