Youre not moving in together until hes brought his support to a sustainable level. Of course I want his parents to be happy. Answer (1 of 60): Absolutely and unequivocally no, you should not help your new boyfriend financially. You seem to have the experience that they are basically leeching off of him, so what are you guys going to do about it? You don't believe things he tells you. Hes supporting his parents financially while living with them and working two jobs. My boyfriend and I have wanted to move in together for a few years. For example, it's quite acceptable for one partner to pay for the bills, but the other pay for . because she said she just is too "nervous and anxious" to deal with problems, so tries to get my boyfriend to deal with all of her bull * * * * . This is a man who has financial dependents/serious codependency with his parents that does not sound at all healthy and he will until the day they die. You accept his family are using him, but that doesn't justify my behavior towards our finances. Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! If you know that your spouse doesn't have a savings account, its a sign that hes financially irresponsible or has experienced long-term money issues, both of which are just going to add to your reasons that hes using you. Fortnite 11 junio, 2020. First, you've only known him for four months. I advise this for a number of reasons. Whether youve found out that your partner has a credit card, multiple credit cards or hes deep into his overdraft in his checking account and suffering from a multitude of money problems caused by lack of self-control, and if hes showing other signs mentioned in this article, he could be using you for financial stability. However, forgiveness can play a crucial role in healing and growth, both for individuals and for relationships as a whole. But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. You are financially secure and already own a house he could move into and have a property that his parents could move in to rent free. You perfectly describe our situation and possible options. He works long hours/double shifts, cannot attend most of our hangouts with friends, etc and still barely make it to the end of the month. 3. Its awful being in a relationship where you feel like youre being used, nevermind a marriage. I feel like most responses are going to say - you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drinkif he's still doing this at 27(almost) then either get over it, or find another man but I can't just get over itand I really want to try to make this work.. if his parents are divorced and she got nothing or his mom is widowed and he is the only child, he might feel guilty or obligated. His mom has even recently had a heart-to-heart with me and said "I know I have not been trying as hard as I could to get another job or make more money, and it's time for mommy to stand on her own to feet so her son can grow up and start a life with you. . When Its Workable:Its a good sign when your guy can set boundaries and is open to having conversations about your feelings while making you feel like a priority, says Estes. We had sort of a chemistry going on. And when the business went down, he lost his savings and left with a debt which he can only manage to pay minimum payment. What are those? Frostypeach So it is a big decision. In order to comply with the internationally applicable GDPR - and other regulations, no IP address or user account originating in your geographic location will be accepted. Additionally, some men may need to be shown the impact that his actions, or his inaction, can have on a person. She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week . To that end you need to have a serious conversation and find out how he lost his savings and exactly what these "poor financial decisions" were and why is he so far in debt. My parents are in a good financial situation and dont need my help. Im also not willing to drain all of my savings when I hope to own a home in the future. Shesays an ability to make a long-term commitment gives insight into his value system. This man is not a good marriage candidate and I suspect he would probably drag out the dating process and sabatoge his realtionship with you to avoid changing the situation. You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. It is different when one is in a relationship with a person, as compared to the family interaction, and that is where adaptation is needed. Ive told him my concerns and he was receptive to them, though neither of us knows what to do next. By extension, your life is on hold as well. The Family/Relationship Equation:Its important to remember that every family has a different set of values and boundaries, but your guy needs to know where his childhood ends and adulthood begins. In 69% of married or cohabiting couples, the man earns more than the woman, though this is down from 87% of married couples in 1980. And if his mother is very dependent, there's a good chance that even if you move out and marry, as soon as you marry he'll move her right into your house and you are in the position of either having to accept it or else divorce him. Hes been open about how he lost his savings/money. This way its not over-the-top. Its essential that this be a defined amount. Social media has become an integral part of modern society, with millions of people using it on a daily basis. I do want that extra money spent on me, or in our future, instead of giving it to "family" that don't really care about him. Times are hard but a man gotta be a man at all times. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. Sadly i think there is nothing much you can do here other than set specific dates, as in you intend to move out on date X and he can make his decision then whether he is going to live independently from him mother then and come with you or whether he is going to continue on this same path. Hes Reckless With Spending Your Money, 5. He told me he cannot stop supporting them. She has even gone so far as to ask my boyfriend to call certain companys that she owes money to, (to discuss when she will be able to pay her bill, etc.) Here, women who have done, or are currently financially supporting their boyfriends and husbands explain . Considering the fact that financial abuse is recognized as a form of domestic violence, 2 approximately 1 in 7 men (18 years and older) will experience a form of domestic violence. Keep up with Brenda on Instagram, Twitter and badassliving.com. All of these things will impact your relationship in addition to easing the obvious financial burden, she says. His current financial situation is because of wrong investments and mostly putting all his savings in one basket, trying to have his own business and spending substantial amounts of money with little success. He keeps saying he thinks we need to each have a certain amount saved ( a few grand) before we can get our own place. Do you have any advice? If they are addictions or whatever, then flag it, because certain character flaws or major underlying problems may be here to stay. Favoring one child financially disrupts the family balance. Boyfriend continues to support his family at the expense of his own future and family (unless you are fairly wealthy, it is very difficult to support two households 2) In-laws who hate your guts for stopping the money train. My financial situation is significantly better than his. Make sure the source is set correctly and that CORS support is enabled. Its not just about financial security, its also about showing that someone is willing to get up every day and do what it takes to take care of themselves and work towards a higher goal.. Protect yourself so that his financial instability doesnt affect you or harm you in any way, communicate openly with your significant other and tell him your worries, help him come to his senses, and force him to understand that he has to be more responsible with his money. It would be very easy for him to argue that he would be able to put all his income to his debt and recover faster if you did that. Well, let's just say they likely aren't getting many accolades on the other side, either. Most couples talk about money, and its natural to want to talk to your spouse about income and outgoings. I am not saying to comfort him. We know each other from many years ago in college. 101 Hot Date Ideas for Married Couples to Try. When your boyfriend doesn't help you financially, you're left to use up all of your own money and that's not all right. Started Tuesday at 03:06 AM, By He also knows that youre concerned about how his parental support will affect your future together. As to the first point, I agree he cannot simply abandon his parents and stop paying for them cold turkey when he has himself created that codependency and shows no signs of stopping it. We have started talking moving in, marriage . | Editorial, Florida man paralyzed by officer who mistook gun for Taser sues, Bucs plan to release running back Leonard Fournette, Base rate hikes approved for Tampa Electric. So while you wait for your boyfriend to set limits with his parents, be firm about your limits. His mom probably has limited skills and plus she is in her 50s now so why shouldn't she get a break. Relationships are all about equality, even when it comes to . As long as hes paying all of his parents bills, nothing is going to change. Most men and women have savings accounts, simply because its always useful to have a pot of money set aside in case financial issues occur or theres an emergency at some point in life. My boyfriend and I agree that we cannot live with his parents as a couple for various reasons. When hurt or harm is inflicted, it can be difficult to move past it and continue to build a healthy and happy relationship. I would be lying if I say U never thought about what you described and I havent got that feeling from him since started dating. Many times, men don't realize that their girlfriends are in need because they aren't vocal about it. However, most couples, especially those that are married, do tend to have joint accounts and share money with each other, most of the time simply because it's easier. His child support, truck payment, etc., leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. The only way i can see this working is if mom lives in an in-law apartment so you can have your own spaces or she lives with a sibling or someone else, with him paying a certain bill. I worry it will haunt both of us as we take the next steps in our lives (renting an apartment soon, buying a home of our own in the future). His priorities are caring for his parents instead of having a life of his own, you get to decided if you want to support him while he supports them. So you need to sit him down and have a very real talk about money. But, if your spouse is trying to take advantage of you for your finances, they will be reckless with your money, spending it on anything and everything they want - this is a huge red flag. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. Perhaps you feel as if youre the one doing all the hard work and your husband is just spending your money? If he anticipates that mom will live with you guys and you will be supporting her, you can be alerted to that and leave him if that doesn't work for you. liberty puzzles monet. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. Talk to him honestly and openly about how much money you need . Her boyfriend was financially unstable and wanted her to support him. Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. This isnt about his Mom. Subscribe to our free Business by the Bay newsletter. Financial insecurity is also one of the top reasons women return to an abusive partner. Location: Napa - wine country. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . Love is sweet but it's sweeter if the two parties support each other financially . He is a very capable person with good education. Our son struggled with some mental-health issues in high school. Because to me it makes zero sense they made good money but never did anything for retirement, that there's another sibling who doesn't contribute and that he's paying for two places when most people taking care of parents live with them. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. He doesnt see it this way. This article aims to explore the unique challenges and opportunities that come with navigating age gaps in relationships. $50K of debt is possible to resolve when he finds a better job that can increase his earnings and allow him to aggro-bust through that debt. Kody also isn't shown doing much with most of his children. My boyfriend works 40+ hours a week at a office type job that he HATES and bairly makes enough to get by and I work also 40+ hours a week as an office admin making ok money, and he and I are both trying to complete our college educations by taking night classes so things are tight right now..having his mom act like a helpless 2 year old, sitting on her kiester ALL damn day while I'm at work and then at school - PISSES ME OFF! We're looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldn't be an issue. So again, if the man makes more than the woman or vice versa, that's . Women Share Their Personal Experiences Of Financially Supporting Their Partners. He makes good money now but his outflow is substantial and lives paycheck to paycheck. Continue with Recommended Cookies, By I was upset because he made a big show of promising to buy it, I told his sister he was going to buy me a coat, and then when we where in the shop, he said it was too expensive and he could only afford half. The family dynamic is messed, but rather than cut his family off or create a fuss, it's much easier for him to pay the 350. Think about it: In school, it was easy to meet new people, but as we grow older, the opportunities to make new friends (and see old ones) can seem more limited which means unless your guy has a solid crew of constant companions, hes likely not going to always have someone to do something with. a bit will help you stay calm and level-headedhopefully he'll pick up on your cue and chill out too. And I do know people who are willing to contribute some money to help support a parent who doesn't live with them and agree to a certain amount and are fine with that if they can afford it, but you need to decide whether you are willing to live with her and/or support her financially, either of those because it sounds like he expects you to do both, and you will be making sacrifices for her for as long as she lives if he decides you as a couple must do this. And completely unsustainable. Though its admirable that he wants to help his parents, its a sign that they will always come before you and your relationship. At that point, you should each contribute 50/50 towards rent, household expenses, and utilities. However, in recent years, the idea of being single has gained more acceptance and understanding. If he needs to work two jobs to pay his parents bills while hes still living with them, he certainly cant afford the expenses of a second household. If the OP does not want a life like this, there is compromise or leaving. boyfriend financially supports his family. 6. This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies. What does he truly see happening with his parents, with his debt, with finances if these are shared between the two of you in marriage. boyfriend financially supports his family. They didnt reach their goal and he put all his eggs in one basket. I am not saying to feel sorry for him or to pity him. I would clearly ask what he expects and I would state your concerns, and if things don't change to a livable situation that does not end with a married couple with their own lives and privacy like you want, then end it. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. He supports his parents financially 100%. We don't have shared bills, because we where living apart until this weekend. It will never be your job to fix someone else's financial mistakes. This isn't money going into booze and video games. When I try to talk to him about how living with his mom still is hendering US from starting our future together by footing the bills of her every month - he just says "how? Family-oriented includes spending quality time together, celebrating with one another, and supporting each other. However, my boyfriend will still need to support his family. Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. Or youd be forced to drastically lower your living standards to accommodate their support. WOAH - totally inaccurrate..and totally NOT the type of response I should be hearing from a guy I am considering committing the REST OF MY LIFE TO! When Its Not:Is your man always having work problems or making excuses to stay unemployed until he finds the perfect job? My boyfriend wants to buy his parents a small home or rent them a more affordable apartment. Am I making a mistake? Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! This should be obvious. I'm not thrilled, but I'd rather live at home with him, than rent and waste money we could have used for a house. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. He Only Shows You Affection When You Pay For Things. If his name is on the mortgage, it will increase his debt-to-income ratio. It just happened that when one of us was single the other one was not. It's a fair point. If he doesn't have a plan, he'll never have his debt resolved. You've only been with him a year, so i wouldn't get involved any deeper with him til this is resolved. But others find it changes the relationship dynamic a lot. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Were looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldnt be an issue. Or maybe youre simply wondering what the signs of financial abuse are because you feel as if youre being used? When Its Workable:If he just doesnt know how to clean the toilet or chop an onion, but is open to learning, feel free to move past go. We met 3 years ago (on tinder), and got married 4 months ago. We have had the talk and I told him how I feel about his parents dependance on him. 1. A man who knows how to take care of himselfand cares enough to make the effort to do so will be far more inclined to step-up and take care of you than someone who just expects you to live according to his low standards or act as a full time maid-service. I think it's a very real possibility that situation quickly becomes an expectation. That could make it difficult if he wants to buy a home at some point, especially given that he already has student loans. Thanks for the advice. Whether that's emotionally or financially, you have some backing and that can be . When Its Workable:If your man is a bit shy or a bit of a loner, it doesnt mean you need to dump him. She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week)she will complain she has no money and then give away like 10 hours worth of shifts at her retail job because her "back hurts". It also highlights his self-esteem. It doesnt really matter what the ins and outs are - a guy thats not sharing the bills for the home you both live in isnt someone that you want to be in a marriage with. Typically, if you feel as if your significant other is using you, he probably is. Honestly, it sounds like you'll end up paying for him to pay for his parents. It begins with talking openly, exploring the options, and developing an effective and efficient plan. And scrapbooking is expensive! He Makes You Responsible For All The Household Bills, 12. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect - the sticky mother-in-law woes. It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me? I do know people who make the decision to move parents in when they are very old and infirm, but his mother is able bodied and can in theory take care of herself but instead she chooses to rely on her son and he lets her. His parents dont have any other source of income at least for next 3 years or so until they become citizens and qualify for some sort of social assistance. Being able to show not only my passion for writing, but also my passion to help others in their relationships, means the absolute world to me and I hope to continue doing so. Though it sounds harsh, I don't think he'd ever . My best advice to you is to remember that you are an individual. We have talked about his parents dependance on him and that i am not comfortable and have issues with it. I don't care about the coat. Help Find Local . It is my feeling, and I feel his mother is very manipulative. When you're dating a man who is not financially stable, be ready to be his sponsor or bank. A continuing conversation seems like the last thing this situation needs. The relative financial contributions of men and women differ significantly by the educational attainment of each partner. If you two are serious about building a future together, set a deadline for moving in together. He is . Sam buys the groceries ($250 a month), while Chris pays for all other necessary expenses ($1,100 a month). TL:DR: My boyfriend (M39) (I am F37) of ~1 year has been responsible for his parents financially since their retirements. He always told me it was 300,because apparently that's an easier amount to accept. Although not everyone in debt is irresponsible and should be blanketed as users, if your partner has financial problems and hes using your money to survive, its not good news! Thanks for taking the time responding to my question. Love knows no boundaries, and it is not unusual for individuals of different ages to fall in love. It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me? Letsgetstarted. It's very okay to support your boyfriend financially. Then, she will spend money on clothes, her boyfriend, even things for making SCRAP BOOKS - but she does not have enough money to help out with bills? However, if your man is constantly taking money from you, or he tries to control you and make you pay for everything, theres a good chance that hes using you. True, confronting him in that way almost guarantees some issues in your own relationships, but . Neither of us have any children. Please help, any advice would be much appreciated! To be fair to him, he does buy me flowers, and chocolates and he pays 70% of the time we go out. When Its Not:Estes says there are certain red flags that should not be overlooked. Ask Amy: I think my boyfriend should stop financially supporting his ex Perspective by Amy Dickinson June 23, 2022 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Article Dear Amy: I started seeing "James" three months. But you're not obligated to financially support him. Once your boyfriend has determined how much he needs to live on his own, he can make a budget for how much support he can give his parents. I am okay with his current financial situation. Pick a date you intend to move out and tell him how you feel, that you do not want to live with his mother and you cannot get serious or stay with him if he can't resolve this and be OK with that. If your guy is taking your money and spending it on himself, doing things that dont actually benefit you, for example, buying himself new clothes or going out with his friends, it could be a sign that hes using you. AND he's bad with money and is $50K in the hole from his own bad relationship with money. Youre not alone, a lot of people are in the same situation as you, so dont suffer alone. Laughter is often referred to as the best medicine, and it's no wonder why. A man working towards a larger goal or fighting for a higher paying position is a lot different from someone who unreliable, lacks ambition or is lazy, she says. I feel his parents are his children though. Started Yesterday at 03:44 PM, By The more you grow, the more the relationship can grow, says Estes. In this article, were going to take a look at 13 of the most obvious signs that are common in marriages where a husband financially uses his wife. You can't meddle in his financial affairs at this time. Exactly, unfortunately he feels obligated to bail them out. Of course, most couples choose to still keep personal accounts, but they will have a joint account to save money for bills every month. Parent-adult children relationships like these always mean the child's spouse come second. how is that affecting what we have? My husband and I have a joint savings account that I insisted on, that we both contribute a 1.2k to every month. The relationship is not only about sex and romance but also about supporting each other and building each other. But I dont want this to put a permanent stop to our hopes for our relationship or cause him even more financial stress. His point is that he can do whatever he wants with his money after we've contributed to the shared pot. If he was using a small portion of his income for this commitment, i might have been more comfortable. Don't expect him to be your financial supporter So you basically don't know him at all. My boyfriend and I have an income gap in our professions, so he financially supports me.