And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Parent first, friend second. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. I helped with yard work. A lot of painful disappointments in life. I had the same experience at college! Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! bittergaymark But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Aaaaah! As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. Your husband sounds like a jerk. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. I just dont get it. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. Haha! If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. I know from personal experience. Yes! But you know what. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. temperance That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. I think she may have deactivated. (Which is fine, I guess. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. My parents werent interested in that stuff. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! Jordan was my fave back in the day. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. lets_be_honest Again, no. This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. My fave was Joey for the record. Heck Yes! I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Too little time to post! Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. Usually sharks.). Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Talk about making a little go a very long way. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? How are those pre-teen interests? You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. findingtheearth Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. . Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. 1. And of course. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. And so does dad. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. painted_lady I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. I love it. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. "I cant win for losing. Mommy and daddy love each other. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. 6napkinburger Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Skyblossom Exactly! About Us . Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. She gets too invested in her daughters life. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). You always give good advice (duh!) Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! bittergaymark "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. She wasnt responding to the father though. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. Really truly. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. I completely agree with you on Buffy. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. This makes me so deeply jealous. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. Our differences are what make people interesting. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. lets_be_honest Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. And this is his responsibility too. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. But am I mad at her now? I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. Youre right, though. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. I have to agree. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. Make it easier for him to be his best self. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . You just have to learn to ignore that. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. This is exactly my experience, too. bittergaymark For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? lets_be_honest lets_be_honest Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have.
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